


doors unlocked and open

by missgoalie75



Series: Sense8 AU [1]
Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-26 21:02:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5020444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missgoalie75/pseuds/missgoalie75
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Rory and Jess become mentally and emotionally linked. | Sense8 AU Fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	doors unlocked and open

**Author's Note:**

> **Spoilers/Warnings:** Sense8 AU, starts sometime between 2x02 and 2x03; sexual situations, underage drinking, references to child abuse
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** Title is from "Doors Unlocked and Open" by Death Cab for Cutie. Recognizable dialogue is from the show.
> 
>  **Note:** Obviously, this wouldn't have happened if it weren't for Rain, who prompted this, or at least a fluffy/sexy version, which didn't quite happen, but I tried, and therefore no one can criticize me, etc. Also, a million thanks to Annie for betaing even though she's a very busy teacher across the pond.

It starts on a Thursday night: Rory is awake at two in the morning, trying to review her Spanish notes involving a tense that's too confusing to keep straight, and she feels like she's in the middle of a free-fall, her heart shooting up to her throat and her blood rushing to her brain, her head feeling like it's about to explode.

It only lasts a second, but it leaves her shaken and she decides she'll just have to accept what she's studied and go to sleep; maybe it's just her brain and her body demanding to rest.

Rory almost forgets about that night entirely until she's sitting with Dean in his room and wishing for the clock to move faster so she can leave and meet Lane; she blinks and she's riding a subway, watching lights flash by through the windows.

She blinks again and she's back in Dean's room.

**

She has a headache that's never ending. She figures maybe she's involuntarily consuming lower amounts of caffeine than usual, but her mom has a supernatural sense for decaf coffee, much to Luke's dismay, so that can't be it. She takes painkillers, but they barely take the edge off.

At Friday Night Dinner, she eyes the alcohol on the cart and her fingers itch to make a whiskey and ginger, a ghost of the taste flooding her tongue and burning her throat.

She picks up the Cola in front of her and downs it with a grimace.

**

Just when her mom is beginning to get worried, it stops. Rory almost cries with relief.

 _Thank-_ fucking _-Christ_.

She freezes, looking around, but no one's there.

**

The first time she sees him is when she's reading in her bed and he's checking out her book collection.

"Well, aren't we hooked on phonics?"

There should be _panic_ rushing through her system, but instead she closes her book with her finger holding her place and adds, "There are more under my bed and in my drawers."

He turns and smirks. "How do you decide which books are graced the shelf life?"

"Bottom two are to-read, the first three piles under my bed are to-read hardcovers while the rest I've read, and the top shelf are books I tend to pull out and re-read the most." She flushes a little. "I read a lot," she supplies rather unnecessarily.

He pulls out _Howl_.

"Oh that's great. Do you read?"

"Not much."

"Liar," she says without realizing that she shouldn't really be so sure of that.

He stares at her. "Well, what is much?"

She looks at her copy of _Howl_. "You pretty much have that memorized."

His face slowly breaks into a smirk. "I'm Jess."

"Rory."

There's a crash right by her ear and when she whips her head around, she sees liquid on a dirty wall and broken glass by her feet. Her breath is stuck in her throat and she hears Jess say, " _Get out_." And she's back in her room again, alone.

**

She doesn't see Jess again until she's out by the bridge, reading in peace.

He's sitting over the edge, trying to light a cigarette. "Fuck," he mutters around it, hissing in victory when he manages to get it going. He tosses the lighter into the lake.

"Hey, don't litter," she chastises him.

"It's the East River – it's seen worse."

The wind blows the hem of her dress around her thighs and huh, it does look pretty dirty.

"What are you reading?" he asks.

She shows him the cover. "I'm taking a summer class."

"Yeah, clearly," he snorts.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean Shakespeare is barely tolerable."

She half-agrees. He smirks like he knows.

"Isn't this kind of weird?” she asks after a minute. "Like, I'm assuming we're in each other's heads. Why isn't this weird? I'm definitely going crazy."

He doesn't seem to mind that she sounds kind of crazy as he calmly inhales.

"It's a crazy world we live in," he says on an exhale.

She sighs and doesn't say anything, watching the river and lake change before her eyes.

"Rory!"

They both turn to see a figure coming through the woods. She recognizes the tall figure and bites back a groan.

"Rory! Hey! Your mom said you'd might be here," Dean says with a huge smile on his face.

She knows Jess is furrowing his brow without even looking. "Boyfriend?"

"Hey, Dean, just getting some reading done for school," Rory says with a smile, steadfastly ignoring Jess.

"You're in nonstop school mode – you said we could hang out today."

"Well, he's a needy one."

Rory still ignores Jess. "Sorry." She puts away her book into her bag and leaves Jess on the bridge.

**

That night she can't fall asleep, the stillness and quiet of the night overwhelming. She feels like there's something _missing_ , a dark spot – spots – in the back of her mind that she's afraid to explore.

Jess is out to get drunk enough to ignore it.

He shares for a bit – letting her experience a shot after he takes it ("I'm not letting you take a shot for me and ruin my cred," he says to her in her room), feel the fire down her throat and settle hotly in her stomach, the buzz in her (his) head.

At one in the morning, she tells him to be careful and goes to sleep, eventually losing the connection.

**

Jess has a hangover, but she almost appreciates the distraction.

During the day, however, she _doesn't_ appreciate Jess casually sitting on Paris' desk and watching her during her obscure Russian poetry class.

Rory narrows her gaze as she focuses on her notes. _Stop. Go back to your own class._

"Nah, it's boring," he says. "There's a quiz at the end of the class – I'm thinking about skipping it."

She gapes but quickly shuts her mouth. _You can't do that! That's why you're making up this class in the first place!_

"Want to take it for me?"

" _No_ ," Rory mumbles.

Paris clears her throat pointedly, but continues to focus on the front of the classroom.

"Well, she seems evil."

Rory bites the inside of her cheek to stop herself from smiling.

After her class ends, she walks to her locker and checks in on Jess, who has just received his quiz. Algebra. 

She scoffs. "I know you didn't do the homework but you absorbed some of this."

He grimaces and quickly goes through the test with Rory perched on his shoulder.

**

Dean notices something is happening when Rory makes a very un-Rory snort during a scene in _Lord of the Rings_.

"What?" Dean asks, a strange mix of curious and offended.

 _I haven't read the books, which, we'll have to discuss later because why would you_ , Rory hisses at Jess.

"I get bored," Jess retorts defensively. "And they totally cut out an interesting scene in the book."

"Snob," Rory says out loud.

" _What_?"

"Nothing," Rory says quickly. "Just talking to myself."

Dean continues to look at her for a minute before settling back and watching the movie.

Jess laughs beside her. "When are you gonna let that go?"

She focuses intently on the movie and holds Dean's hand.

**

"She's not," Jess says after Lorelai finally leaves Rory's room to go back upstairs to Max.

"Stop."

"She's not happy."

"It's just an adjustment period. She'll be fine," Rory repeats, turning away from him to go back to sleep.

**

"You are happy about all this, aren't you?" Rory asks, worried and scared.

"Don't I seem happy?" Lorelai asks.

"I guess," she answers, unsure.

"No, she doesn't," Jess says.

Rory ignores him.

**

"Mom, stop."

"What?"

"Are you and Max getting married?"

"No."

"Why?"

Rory's heart is broken, but her mom crying hurts the most. "Because I didn't want to try on my wedding dress every night."

It takes her a few moments to place the reference, understand the significance, and wrap her head around it. "Where are we going?"

Jess is a soothing balm in her mind, eventually taking over and packing for her when all she wants to do is cry on her bed.

**

He leaves her be, which she appreciates, but after the fight with her mom, she curls up and turns away from her and she's sitting in a crappy diner with a not-so-terrible cup of coffee between her (his) hands.

"Hey," he says.

"What did you order?"

"Burger and fries."

Rory's mouth waters. "With cheese?"

"And extra bacon."

"Can I…?"

"Yeah."

She gets the first bite and it's so good she almost moans. "What have you been up to tonight?"

"At a party, but I bailed just before the cops showed up. Thought I'd get something to eat before heading home."

"A sound plan."

This time he takes a bite. "You okay?"

Rory looks down. "Yeah, I guess. I will be. If my mom wasn't in love with him, then it's for the best. I just –"

"I know."

"He was cool, right?"

He runs his teeth over his bottom lip. "Yeah. He was."

She wipes a stray tear from her face, picking at a fry. "Thanks for sharing your burger."

"Thanks for the company."

She lifts her head in surprise. "Really? I thought you hated people."

He smirks a little. "Well you're not really _people_ , are you."

"I guess not." She sighs. "I better get going."

"If you want to hide something flat, stick it in the back of your shirt or your back pocket. Just a suggestion." He pops a fry in his mouth.

"I'll keep that in mind," she quips dryly. "Good night."

"'Night, Rory."

She's back in her room and she feels a phantom fullness in her stomach that helps her fall asleep.

**

" – And the best part: Korea is bootleg heaven. I totally scored in Seoul. Elvis Costello at the Marquee in 1978. A barely coherent Nico doing Dora songs in 1974, and even more barely coherent, Iggy Pop doing David Bowie songs naked in 1981."

Jess eyes Lane with unmasked surprise and amusement. "You definitely have to borrow the Elvis Costello one," he tells Rory.

She likes that Jess likes Lane.

 _Given by your penchant for horrible band shirts, I'm surprised_ , she says as Lane shares some more things about Korea.

"Costello was one of the first in the punk movement – he is to be respected, Gilmore." He eyes Lane's Christian shirt. "Is she trying to be ironic?"

 _No, unfortunately that's the life she's leading according to her mom_.

"Better the double-life than trying to be ironic."

 _Amen_.

**

When Rory confronts Paris before class and looks her directly in the eye for the first time since the end of last year, Rory feels a jolt in her system, an unlocking in her mind that she _knows_ Paris feels too.

Before Rory knows it, she's being dragged out of the classroom by her shirt sleeve.

"Since _when_ are you a _sensate_?" Paris hisses.

"A _what_? Isn't that a Japanese teacher?"

Paris looks at her like she's grown three heads (which is one of her regular facial expressions besides pure hatred) and demands that they talk after the Franklin meeting.

**

Rory forces Paris to come to Record Breaker Incorporated because she promised Lane and Jess is annoyingly interested in finding _The Unwritten Works of Geoffrey, etc_.

Paris explains it quickly, quietly, and efficiently as Rory browses the rows. She almost makes the situation sound sane, even though Rory still gets a shock when she occasionally catches her reflection and sees Jess.

"It's pretty handy, I mean, I'm fluent in Chinese and Arabic – those are the most useful languages in today's industry."

"You forgot Spanish," Rory points out.

"Well…technically one of my cluster speaks _Jacalteco_ , but an endangered indigenous language isn't something an upper-class white girl from Connecticut can pull off knowing." Paris shrugs. "Besides, I'm already fluent in Portuguese thanks to my nanny – I can understand a few things."

"If you manage to find a copy of the Misfits' _Horror Business_ first pressing then please, buy it for me," Jess interrupts.

"I'm not _buying_ you a record that's probably worth a thousand dollars," Rory mutters under her breath.

"So, what about yours?"

"What?" Rory asks, somehow forgetting Paris is with her; Jess has that weird effect on her.

"Your cluster," Paris clarifies impatiently. "You must have connected with them all by now."

Rory's tongue feels too big for her mouth. "All? There isn't – there's only one. Is there usually more?"

Paris' eyes soften and Rory's worst fears that she's been trying so hard to ignore, to bury deep, has resurfaced and stabbed through her chest.

"Don't," Rory says immediately when Paris opens her mouth. Rory tries to swallow past the lump in her throat. "I need to go." She couldn't find Whistler, Chaucer, Detroit and Greenhill, but she can't think about searching anymore now.

"What's wrong?" Jess asks.

Rory goes up to pay and after they've left the store, Paris explains that usually clusters start as a group of eight, but anything can happen between birth and when sensates are 'activated' and Rory barely makes it to the nearest trashcan before vomiting into it.

Jess has a comforting hand on her back that just makes her cry harder. He rests his forehead against her neck and doesn't say anything.

**

"Let me," Jess offers.

Rory shuts her eyes and he exits the bus and walks home, greeting her mom and convincing her that she became ill at school from improperly cooked food and just wants to sleep it off.

It becomes convincing when Jess' own nausea hits Rory and she ends up puking even though there's nothing left in her stomach. He's uncomfortable when Lorelai pulls back Rory’s hair and rubs the space between her shoulder blades.

"Can you just –" Rory starts to say once she's curled up in bed, but she doesn't have to finish her sentence when he crawls into her bed and holds her.

**

Being offered the chance to be a debutante really is beneficial for everyone: her grandma will be happy, and Rory will be properly distracted by her mom's lessons on how to be a proper lady.

"Denial sure is your strong suit, isn't it."

Rory stares at herself in the mirror, looking like a ridiculous cream puff. 

"Don't call the kettle black, Raging Bull."

He smirks.

"My hand hurts," she adds quietly.

His smirk fades. "So does everything else," he counters.

**

Rory orders a burger and fries and waits for her mom to join her in the diner.

"So, that's your dad."

She doesn't know what it is about Jess sitting in the diner, but it's better than sitting on the bridge.

"Yeah."

Silence.

"Better than nothing, I guess," she adds softly. "I love him, but…he hasn't always been there. I'm okay with that – I only need my mom, but still."

He looks down at the table and doesn't say anything.

"I wish everyone was here," she whispers, eyes stinging.

His jaw clenches so hard that her mouth aches.

"We should mourn, right?"

Her food arrives and Jess disappears.

**

(That night, before her head hits the pillow, she's out of her mind, banging her head to loud noise, base thumping her core and she's drunk and sweating and Jess can't even come up with a proper sentence.)

**

"You're both born on the same birthday," Paris says while Rory is trying to eat her lunch in _peace_. Better here than her randomly showing up in Rory's head while she's _trying_ to enjoy a movie, which has happened at least twice already.

("I'm never going to look her in the eye If I might here to avoid that," Jess says to Rory after the first time and she doesn't blame him one bit.)

She looks to Jess, sitting next to Paris. "October eighth?"

"Yup."

She turns back to Paris. "Okay, and nobody knows why certain people are this way?"

"No – I only know what I know from my nanny, who's part of her own cluster. She –" Paris stops herself short, looking down at her hands in a rare moment of respect. "She's lost two of her own. She said it was the most unbearable pain."

"I'm sure it is," Rory says.

The empty spaces are terrible, but she's grateful that they've been spared the worst of it.

**

"I wasn't supposed to be born in October – I was a month early, according to Liz," Jess says. "Sneaking drinks and smokes during pregnancy will do that."

Rory reaches out and her fingertips brush against his temple. It's nothing short of miraculous that he has such a great brain when the alternative –

"The hand I was dealt was shitty enough without brain problems," Jess tries to joke.

"You won't let me see most of it."

"For a reason."

She sighs.

"It doesn't matter." He then gestures toward them. "This does."

**

"If these morons think _you're_ a loner," Jess scoffs while Rory storms out of the guidance counselor's office.

"They'd put you away probably," Rory snaps, "This is ridiculous! I have friends and a boyfriend!"

"And a mind-dweller." 

"Yeah, if I said that, then _I'd_ be the one put away."

He laughs, but he's insulted like her mom is. When she tells Dean about it later, he worries that she'll be even busier than she already is.

**

"This town can use with a good shake up."

"No."

"Come on. Some chalk, some police tape –"

" _No_!"

**

Rory doesn't even think about comparing Tristan and Jess until Tristan comes back from his second suspension this year. She doesn't know who the ghost is – is it Tristan, for the constant suspensions, or is it Rory – who can walk by him without so much as receiving a comment or a glance.

Dean will never know what happened and it's not like – they were _broken up_ and she was trying to distract herself from feeling hurt – Tristan showed part of himself that she didn't think he had; he's _good_ , she _knows_ he is.

She's standing beside Jess' bed. He's trying to read his book, but is distracted by his mom and her latest boyfriend going at it on the other side of the door.

"Does this happen a lot?" she asks even though she could search for the answer.

"Depends on the guy. This one likes his booze."

There's a loud crash, but it's a plastic plate hitting the wall. Less damage.

"Poor little rich boy," Jess says out loud.

"Yeah."

More shouting.

"You know he likes you, right?" _You're done playing dumb, right?_

She wipes a tear off her face. "Yeah. But I loved Dean."

He doesn't point out the tense. She could let it go – it was in reference to the end of last year.

"I still love him."

His eyes move from the words on the page to look at her. "I know."

She doesn't know if she's so stressed from midterms, but she can't stop crying. "Are you going to be okay?"

The shouting is getting closer.

He sits up quickly and pulls a bottle of vodka out from under his bed, leaving it on his pillow as he pockets his book and grabs his coat, his shoes already on his feet and he's crawling out the window and down the fire escape.

"Yeah, peachy," he answers, his breath clouding in front of him.

She peaks through the window and his mom and the boyfriend are stumbling in. They spot the bottle and take it before leaving again.

"How did you -?"

"She's torn my room apart more than once in the past. It's easier this way."

"It's cold."

"I'll crash at someone's place."

"Okay."

He suddenly smiles a little. "I'd worry about that Tristan kid before me."

She puts on a sweatshirt before falling asleep.

**

"So, I might kiss you goodbye, but, uh, your boyfriend's watching."

She would she would shewouldshewould.

**

Maybe it's Tristan leaving and no one understanding how Rory can be happy and sad at the same time. Maybe it's her mom's relief when she tells the story. Maybe it's Dean's faint smugness she can feel when his tongue confidently meets hers. Or maybe it's just residual bitterness with Chilton trying to make her socialize. Maybe it's her grandparents not communicating, setting her teeth on edge.

Maybe it's Jess' restlessness getting the best of her.

Whatever it is, Rory lets him sneak her out of the Inn and they take down that perfect snowman together. It's the most fun either of them had in a while. He admires her flushed cheeks and she lets him.

"That is the _lamest_ prize ever," Jess complains in the sleigh as they're being ridden back home.

"I'm going to _really_ enjoy those quarters," Rory says out loud, her mom sniggering in triumph.

**

Hiding your being a cheerleader and hiding your telepathic connection to a stranger a state away are two very different things, but Rory can't expect Lane to be honest if she isn't honest in turn.

"I haven't been totally honest with you either, if it's any consolation."

Lane widens her eyes, urging Rory to continue, but suddenly Rory doesn't have the right words.

"I know this is going to sound totally insane –"

"Jack Nicholson insane or more low key?"

Jess smirks. "Is it too on the nose to say Chuck Palahniuk?"

"You're not cool enough to be Brad Pitt," Rory says out loud.

Lane's eyebrows furrow. "What are you talking about?"

"Uh, okay, well, here's the thing – since July…I've had this…connection with this guy in New York."

"I don't follow."

"Like…mentally. I can talk to him like he's standing right beside me. I can see what he sees, smell what he smells, feel what he feels…"

Rory can feel her face grow hot even though it's still freezing outside. 

Lane is still staring at Rory like she's trying to figure out how to react next.

"Well, this is going _very_ well," Jess points out.

"Shut _up_ ," Rory hisses.

Lane takes a subtle step back. "Okay…"

"I'll prove it," Rory says quickly, looking around the square for inspiration and she spots the payphone. "Jess, please tell me you're home."

"Yeah, why?"

"Give me your number," she says as she marches across the street, reaching into her pockets to take out a few quarters.

Lane follows her, but she's curious, that much Rory can register as she holds her breath, waiting –

" _Hello_?"

Rory exhales, bringing a hand to her mouth, in shock. Her insides shake at hearing his voice outside of herself. "Hi, Jess."

" _We probably should've considered this in the beginning_ ," Jess considers.

"Yeah, that was pretty dumb."

Rory likes to hear him breathe for a few moments when she remembers Lane, who's not looking at her like she's crazy anymore. She hands over the phone.

When Lane takes it, Rory is sitting beside Jess on his apartment floor.

" _…Jess_?"

"Yes, that would be me."

" _So…you and Rory are telepathically connected._ "

"That seems to be the case."

" _…You like early punk don't you_."

Jess blinks in surprise. "Yeah."

" _You know, I_ thought _it was a little weird when she was asking to borrow CDs that I wouldn't think to let her borrow in the first place, but I just figured she was expanding her horizons, maybe internalizing my vast knowledge._ " Pause. " _This makes more sense._ "

Jess snorts and Rory doesn't know whether to laugh or be offended.

"I was planning on listening to The Shaggs to help with that expansion," he tells Lane.

Rory watches Lane bite back a smile. "You're good, you're very good," Lane puts a hand on the mouthpiece. "I like him."

"He can still hear you," Rory says, tapping her head with her finger.

"Oh. Right." Lane drops the hand. "Well, nice to…speak to you." She hands the phone back to Rory. "Here, I'll leave you –"

"Just for a minute," Rory tells Lane, putting the phone back to her ear. "Hey."

" _Hi. We only have a minute unless you have another quarter._ "

 _"_ No, I only had enough to make the call."

" _Okay_."

"Well…I guess I'll speak to you soon. Obviously. But, I liked this. Makes it more real."

" _Yeah, me too_." He rubs his chest with his free hand. " _Glad you're relieved about this._ "

She brings her own hand to her chest. "Yeah. It's nice for someone other than Paris to know."

The dial tone.

Rory sighs, but doesn't hang up the phone. "Bye, Jess." She stares ahead and wishes she could really touch him.

"Bye, Rory _._ " He smiles and hangs up first, disappearing.

Her throat is tight and her eyes sting when she walks with Lane to get coffee.

Lane gives her a minute or two before asking, "Nobody else knows?"

"Just you and Paris, and she only knows because she's like me – with other people. I can't imagine sharing my mind with her."

"Well, you're going to tell your mom, right?"

"Yeah…probably." Rory doesn't know either way.

"And…what about Dean? I mean…you're connected in pretty much every way possible to another guy. One who sounds pretty cute, I may add."

"I'm _definitely_ not telling Dean," Rory says immediately and pointedly ignores Lane's comment. "Come on," she opens the door of Luke's for her. "I'm in need of some serious caffeine."

**

Rory thinks Jess is having a terrible effect on her because as soon as she sees that picture of her in the window of the video store, she's already planning a way to take it down.

" _Oh_ , involve me," Jess begs, his voice high but his smirk downright evil.

"I might deface my face."

He tuts. "Rory, come on, be more _creative_. They'll just make another one."

She grimaces.

"Maybe by the end of this, they'll learn not to judge something by its cover."

She furrows her brow, but realizes late at night when he sneaks them out of the house, breaking into the video store easily with two of her bobby pins and switching out some videos.

She bites back giggles as she's hurrying back.

It's a rush, as much as she doesn't like to admit that.

**

" _Five_ dollars," Dean announces, smiling over at Rory.

"I would've bet ten," Jess mutters by her ear.

She directs her smile at Dean because her mom is watching.

**

It's a nice lunch. They, of course, disposed whatever concoction she managed to make the night before and they buy edible food. He talks about his upcoming spring break, how the hockey team wants to improve by training all year round, but blah, blah, _blah_.

Rory reaches beside her to pick a blade of grass and pinches Jess' thigh in reprimand.

**

That night she's reading in bed and the room feels a little warm, so she gets up to crack open her window. Once she's back in bed, she keeps the covers off. But minutes later she's inexplicably feeling more flushed and she's tempted to take off her pajama pants.

"What –" she starts, reaching up to feel her forehead and she's looking down, pushing back some girl's hair out of her face and her – _his_ – hands are, are –

She chokes Jess' name and feels ready to burst into flames in embarrassment, but really just feels –

"There," Jess murmurs by her ear and her back arches for _something_ to make this go away.

Her hand moves on its own accord, down her stomach, past her pajama bottoms, underwear – she inhales sharply at the first touch; she doesn't think she's ever gotten this far she hazily considers as heat pools low in her stomach. It builds and her muscles tighten and –

Jess has enough sense for her to cover her mouth when she comes. After she regulates her breathing, she rolls to her side and curls into herself, failing to fight back tears.

**

She barely sleeps and decides to shower early in the morning. She manages to wet her hair when she notices Jess on the other side of the curtain.

"Sorry about last night," he says without preamble.

She swallows. "I know. We're still figuring this out. You don't have to apologize."

She squeezes shampoo into the palm of her hand and lathers it until it's a sudsy mess, but Jess is still there. She knows he knows, so puts it off until she's evenly combed shampoo in her hair.

"I've never…"

"I know."

"I mean, yeah, _that_ , but I never _cared_. I have a boyfriend and I never felt that. Maybe there is something really screwed up with me." She sniffs and blames the tears on getting shampoo in her eyes.

"Rory – you're not screwed up. It's fine," he says, uncomfortable.

She tilts her head back and rinses out the shampoo. "Make your comment. I know you're dying to say one. My tongue hurts."

He's smiling. "Well it's no wonder you haven't felt lust for the Jolly Green Giant."

She rolls her eyes as she squeezes out conditioner into her hand. She opens her mouth to argue his reference, but she remembers their fight in the beginning of the summer regarding her extra curriculars and Harvard and she promptly shuts it.

"It's only gonna get worse."

"What do you mean?"

She can see him shrug through the curtain. "I mean, you feel this, right?"

She ignores him.

**

Halfway through her study hall, she checks into Jess' mind. He's sitting in the back of his English class reading _Choke_ (Chuck Palahniuk – it's pretty funny), even though the class is currently discussing _The Great Gatsby_.

"I know you didn't like Gatsby, but you could participate," Rory says.

"I don't know, I thought Gatsby's love for Daisy was really romantic and tragic," someone says.

"You've got to be kidding," Rory says flatly.

 _This is why I don't bother_ , he thinks.

"Okay…why don't you elaborate on why you think so," the teacher says slowly. Rory doesn't know how this woman is dealing with it.

"You should help her out," Rory suggests.

Jess snorts out loud.

"Yes, Mr. Mariano?"

Jess glares at Rory, who smiles innocently.

 _Do you want to do the honors?_ he offers.

She beams before taking over, making sure to not _totally_ deviate from the way Jess normally speaks. Choosing her words carefully is a bit of a challenge, but Jess nudges her shoulder when she's done.

"Never doing that again," he says after he leaves the classroom, his teacher taking a few minutes to praise him.

"Why not? You're smarter than anyone here."

He shrugs. 

She sighs and her arm brushes against his. "Would it be better at Chilton?"

They're in her hallway now.

"No."

He looks at her. "It's fine." He brings a hand to her cheek. "You worry about your future and I'll deal with mine."

( _But you're part of my future._ )

**

Rory doesn't realize anything is wrong until Jess says, "Wait."

She turns around and he's still in the middle of the bridge, looking down. 

"Your bracelet fell off."

"Oh." She walks back and kneels, picking up the bracelet Dean made her a lifetime ago. She used to cherish it. Now the leather is worn and the coin gets stuck in sleeves and caught in her hair.

She pockets it and leaves the bridge.

**

"Hey, where…where's your bracelet?"

She had forgotten about it until Dean brought it up. "What?"

"You're not wearing your bracelet."

"Oh."

She makes up an excuse about a rash, which has Jess holding back laughter, but Dean is mollified and that's all that matters.

**

She has her mom help her put the bracelet back on, but Jess finds it uncomfortable.

" _You_ don't have to wear it," Rory says through gritted teeth.

"Don't I?"

She inhales as deeply as she can before exhaling.

"Rory."

"You might want to check out – I'm meeting Dean tonight."

"Fine." 

He leaves, but she feels worse.

**

Rory is excited to have a nice night by herself. With her mom gone for the weekend, she plans on doing her laundry the way she likes, eating the food she likes, and maybe fall asleep on the couch with the TV on. She's very enthusiastic about these plans and is humming to herself in her pajamas as she's folding laundry on the floor while Jess pops in and out on her couch, silently reading.

Everything is going according to plan until Paris pops into her head, wailing about her A- again and needing her to study with her. 

"You have _one hour_."

Jess puts his book away. "Well, that sucks."

Rory groans and falls forward into her pile of folded laundry.

**

Paris leaves her mind exactly one hour later, after her quiz, just in time for Rory’s Indian food to arrive. Jess pointedly ignores her while she's eating, gagging intermittently and holding his nose dramatically.

She enjoys her evening again until half-past-nine when there's a call to the house.

She picks up, thinking it's her mom, but is surprised when she hears loud chatter and music on the other line. "Hello?"

" _Rory_?"

"Paris? Where are you?"

" _Louise's. I don't have a lot of time. Paris isn't doing well. We're losing her. Come get her._ " 

Rory's stomach drops at the dial tone.

"Get dressed," Jess says.

She changes in the living room into a pair of jeans and a striped shirt, knocking over a pile of clothes in her haste to grab the keys to her car. After she slams her front door behind her and rushes down the stairs, she almost runs into Dean.

"Hey, where's the fire?" he jokes.

"I need to go," Rory says, trying to move past him, but Dean gets a hold of her.

"Hey, where are you going?" He looks down at her clothes and frowns. "I thought you said you were staying in tonight?"

"I was, but Paris called me and she's at a party, and –"

"A _party_?"

His righteous anger _infuriates_ her. "I need to help her."

"So you're going to this party _alone_?"

Her fingers curl into fists and that's _not_ a normal reaction for her. "I have to go," she grits through her teeth.

"Well, let me come with you – I don't like the idea of you going alone." He holds up a white paper bag like a surrender flag. "I brought ice cream."

Her anger lessens a little, but Jess' flares.

"I'll be fine, I just need to get in and get out. I'm sorry," she tacks on, brushing past him and unlocking her car. "I'll call you tomorrow."

She leaves him behind and feels a little guilty when she checks her rearview mirror to see him standing there, staring after her.

"It'll be faster this way," Jess says, taking over for her on the highway, pressing harder on the gas pedal.

"I hope she's okay – it's been a half hour, anything can happen."

"We'll find her. And I'm sure her…cluster…" He grimaces at the word, still awkward and a little sad. "They're doing what they can."

**

She can hear the music when she parks across the street. "I've only been to a party once."

"And?"

"I kissed Tristan and ran out crying."

"Sounds like a fun time."

She rolls her eyes and walks along the pathway that's almost a mile long. _Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore._ "Where should I start?"

"Kitchen and bathrooms. Ask along the way if anyone has seen her."

She exhales. "Okay. Got it."

She opens the door and blinks in surprise at the rowdiness. "I feel like Madeline's wasn't like this," she murmurs as she makes her way through.

"That's because you came and left too early."

She spots Madeline and makes a beeline toward her.

" _Rory_!" she exclaims, her drink sloshing in a red cup. "You're _here_! That's _amazing_!" She goes in for a hug and Rory steadies the hand holding the cup before returning it.

"Hey, Madeline. Have you seen Paris?"

"Not for a while, but she was taking shots like a _pro_ , who'd of thought?"

Rory's smile is strained. "Right, I'm going to look for her."

"Grab a drink! Stick around!"

"Where's the kitchen?"

Madeline points wildly behind her and Rory leaves her, weaving through the crowd in the general pointed direction.

"Have you seen Paris?" Rory asks loudly over the thumping music at familiar faces, but everyone says no. She passes by too many unfamiliar, older faces.

 _Paris_ , she projects, not knowing if she's doing it right since Paris has always been the one to visit her.

Nothing.

In the kitchen, there are bottles of alcohol on the kitchen island and the floor space is _packed_ with people, half of which she's sure doesn't go to Chilton.

"Louise!" Rory calls out in relief.

She gapes at her and grins sloppily. "Oh my _God_ , Rory! _So_ nice of you to come! But you look so plain!"

"Thanks, Louise, have you seen Paris?"

"Yeah, she had to pee but looked like she was gonna barf. I told her to go upstairs and puke in my sister's room since she's being a _total_ bitch –"

"Where's your sister's room?" Rory interrupts her.

"Up the stairs, third door on…the left."

"Great, thanks."

Rory rushes out of the kitchen and wipes beads of sweat off her forehead as she finds the staircase.

"If anyone knows anything, she would've locked herself in the bathroom," Jess says by her ear.

"Let's hope." She gets to the stop and calls out, "Paris! It's Rory!"

She finds the third door and opens it, only to reveal a king-sized bed and a couple _coupling_. She stares in horror and feels her already warm face turn _hot_.

"Master bedroom, keep looking," Jess tells her, shutting the door. "Of course she gives us the wrong directions."

She turns around only to almost run into a guy who definitely does _not_ go to Chilton.

"Whoa, hey, where are you going?"

"I'm trying to find my friend," Rory states and turns to walk down the hallway to try another door, but the guy tries to block her.

"Well, that's rude," he says, reaching out and touching her waist.

Her insides turn to ice and Jess cannot take over fast enough, getting a cast-iron grip on the guy's arm.

"Back off," he demands, tossing his arm away and causing him to lose his balance.

He starts banging on doors. "Paris!" he yells, immediately opening them and storming through rooms, despite couples protesting.

He only does this twice until he finally finds an empty room that's pink and frilly with a door that's shut with a light shining under it. He knocks normally. "Paris?"

A groan in confirmation.

"Thank God," Rory says. "Paris? Open up, it's Rory. I'm taking you home, okay?"

The door finally unlocks and Paris is on the floor, her face clammy and her hands clutching a half-eaten bagel.

Jess quirks an eyebrow. "Told you her cluster would help her out."

"Laura is _lucky_ that she's far away in Paris," Paris grumbles.

"Are you okay?" Rory asks, kneeling on the floor.

"My throat is sore and my head is pounding and I want to eat an entire bagel shop."

"She'll be fine. Let's get her out of here."

"I might need help," she tells him.

Jess helps Paris off the floor and wraps a strong arm around her waist.

"Who'd of thought a waif like you could do this," Paris says as they stumble out of the bathroom.

"This waif has access to some strength."

Pause. "Rory?"

"Guess again."

"Nice to meet you, Jess."

"Likewise."

That guy is talking to friends by the staircase. He turns around and opens his mouth, but Jess says, "Don't even fucking try."

He's too shocked by her foul language and that allows them to get down the stairs and out of the house.

Paris takes some deep breaths and seems to be doing a little better in the fresh air. "Thanks, Rory. And Jess."

Rory nods.

"Thank you."

She furrows her brow and notices the way Paris' body language changed: her hip is popped and her arms are crossed defensively over her chest.

She wonders what she looks like when Jess takes over.

"Let's get out of here."

**

They stop at McDonald's on the way home and by the time Paris has showered and sprawled herself on a pile of blankets, she seems to be relatively okay.

When she falls asleep, Rory turns to Jess and she can't help it – she closes the distance and kisses his cheek. "Thank you."

**

"Is there a reason why our house smells like a disgusting combination of Indian food and McDonald's?" her mom asks when Rory walks into the kitchen the next morning.

"I'll explain after coffee," she mutters, plopping into a chair just in time for the phone to ring.

Her mom gets up and answers the phone, greeting Dean happily and handing the phone over to Rory. She shuts her eyes and takes it. "Hi, Dean."

**

Besides the internal agony when she focuses on the voids in the back of her mind, Rory hasn't experienced death before. Sure, she almost did with her grandpa last year, but irrationally, she didn't _really_ think it was possible. And she witnessed some of her peers go through it – they'll miss school for a few days and some come back the same, some come back sadder. Still, she's unprepared for the grief she feels about hearing Luke's uncle dying.

 _Have you known anyone who's died?,_ Rory asks Jess while on the way to school.

"No. Liz has. I never cared."

She looks out the window at the passing cars, an unfinished thought coming to mind that she immediately tries to snuff out, but Jess picks it up.

"I haven't thought about it. I guess it's possible he's dead. But," he shrugs his shoulders. "Something tells me my deadbeat dad is still alive and kicking."

 _I'm sorry, that was a horrible thing to bring up_.

He shrugs. " Don't worry about it. You okay?"

_Yeah. Just sad for Luke._

**

Rory and Luke are left alone in his apartment after her mom leaves them to talk to Jackson.

"Are you okay?" she hesitantly asks.

"Uh…yeah. Fine. Just…family being family."

"Right. Um…I'm sorry, Luke. For your loss."

Luke gives her a small smile. "Thanks, Ror."

Rory heads downstairs and before she shuts the door behind her, she hears Luke mutter, "Where the hell _is_ Liz?"

She furrows her brow and heads back down the stairs. Weird.

**

"And he got meaner as he got older. Never married, never had kids –"

"A real loner."

"To hell with you guys, who needs you! I might just throw rocks and small tools at you myself next time I see ya!"

"A defensive hothead, just like Louie!"

"They're practically clones."

Her heart hurts and Jess', "What assholes," comment almost makes her cry.

She heads back to the diner to help him clean up.

**

" _Rory_."

She's standing in Jess' apartment and his hands are shaking, eyes wide and crazed.

"Jess? What's going on?"

He plays the answering machine again and there's Luke, addressing _Liz_ , his _sister_ , about their Uncle Louie and the funeral –

She slaps a hand to her mouth and loses the ability to stand in her house and in Jess' mind.

" _Luke…_ and… _you_ …?" she can't speak.

He can't either – there's a dark rage that scares her and before she knows it, she's being shut out and she can't connect with him again.

"Jess," she whispers.

Nothing.

**

She doesn't sleep.

She keeps her mind open, but he doesn’t come.

At five in the morning, she quietly sneaks out of her house and makes her way to the diner. Luke is already working, taking down the chairs from the tables when she gently knocks on the glass.

He blinks in surprise and gives her a smile, rushing over to unlock the door. "Hey, Rory. Early morning."

"Yeah, couldn't sleep."

"Want some coffee? It'll take a couple of minutes."

"Yes, thank you."

She takes a seat by the counter and looks down at her hands as Luke makes her a fresh pot of coffee.

"Luke?"

"Yeah?"

"Does Liz have a kid?"

He turns on the coffeemaker and faces her. "Uh, yeah, actually. He should be around your age."

She nods her head. "When was the last time you saw him?"

"Probably when he was four or five. Liz and I…don't really get along. She's difficult. I lose touch with her – she changes her number sometimes. I only manage to speak with her when she calls for money." He shakes his head and checks back on the coffee, which is dripping steadily into the pot.

She rubs her eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"Do you know if he's okay?"

"Who?"

"Jess! Have you thought about him?" Rory snaps.

She looks away and there's Jess, sitting on the stool looking worse for wear with the beginnings of stubble, his eyes bloodshot and he reeks of smoke and alcohol. "Oh thank God," she blurts out.

"What –?"

Kirk interrupts them, complaining about needing to be the first customer and Rory can't get out of the diner fast enough, wiping her face dry.

"Please don't do that again," Rory says out loud, turning onto her street.

He doesn't say anything, but guilt radiates in her chest.

She sneaks through her open window and he's sitting on her unmade bed, running his hands through his hair. His hair crunches through her fingertips and his breath hitches in her throat.

She sits next to him and laces their fingers together.

He went the entire night without speaking, but ruined his throat with vodka.  
"I have your memories," he says, voice rough. 

She has his – his flaky mom, who hasn't been home in a few days, but at least this time he can fend for himself; the metal detectors in his schools, the inevitable, scary shift from day to night in his neighborhood –

Being alone.

The rising sun streams through the window and his eyes are bright. She leans toward him, her forehead resting against his brow before he tilts his head and kisses her.

Her heart flutters in her chest and she's grounded in this moment but outside of herself, experiencing it from both ways and it's not even _close_ to what she's felt with Dean.

She presses her lips to his lightly a last time before pulling away. She shouldn't have done that, she has a boyfriend, but –

"It doesn't matter."

He leaves her alone with the sun.

She guesses it doesn't.

**

She feels so uncomfortable in her own skin that when Dean joins them for breakfast, even her mom picks up on it.

She keeps Jess company on his walk to school. He seems better from a few days ago and taking his hand is an automatic response. 

They haven't talked about Luke.

**

When Dean walks away, Rory lets out a relieved sigh.

"Uh, what was that?" Lane asks after they're a safe distance away from Dean.

"What was what?"

Lane gestures behind her where the conversation they just had with Dean took place. "That."

"Nothing. Just…he's been…clingy."

"Uh huh."

"There are other people in my life that would like to spend time with besides Dean. It's perfectly valid."

"Right. Other people. Like me."

"Yes, like you."

"Right, and Jess."

She opens her mouth, shuts it, and then opens it again. "Sure, yeah."

"Okay, you just turned five different shades of red, _what_ is going on?"

She tells her in a practically inaudible voice and the decibel Lane squeals at cannot be paralleled.

" _Rory_! Oh my _God_!"

"Can you keep it _down_?" Now Rory can feel her face turning at least ten more shades of red.

"Uh, no, because this is the most romantic thing I've ever heard of and I am living vicariously through you – this is unbelievable! What now?"

"What do you mean, 'what now?'"

They enter the store and Lane is forced to lower her voice.

"Well, I mean, you have to see him, right?"

Rory bites her bottom lip and catches Jess looking at his shoes.

"I'd like to," she admits a little longingly. Jess turns to smile at her.

"Tell him he's more than welcome to meet up with us on Friday for Elvis Costello," Lane says.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," he says sarcastically, but the sentiments are genuine.

Rory rolls her eyes. "He'll be there."

**

"It's really weird how I can _tell_ when Jess is talking," Lane says quietly as she dips a fry in her ketchup-mayo concoction and lowers the stereo.

Lane picked up food at Luke's and they're sitting in the gazebo, another way to rebel while she can.

"What does it look like?" Rory asks, curious.

"Like – your body language totally shifts. Less expressive, harsher words. You sit more like a guy. It's weird."

"Huh."

"…Okay I don't know if that was you or him."

Rory grins. "We pick some stuff from each other."

"Oh yeah? What does he do that you do."

"He has a fascination for lip gloss."

Jess pinches her arm.

"Ouch!"

"What?"

"He pinched me," Rory pouts.

"That's so _weird_."

"So you keep saying."

They eat in silence for a minute until Lane says, "I don't mean this in a judgmental way or anything – you know I love you, but…I think you need to do something about Dean. I mean it's obvious to me – you don't think it's obvious to him?"

**

The accident happens too slow and too fast at once. Her wrist hurts and she's in shock and Jess is shaking.

His words are caught in his throat –

"It's not your fault – I would've done the same – I did the same," Rory reassures him, resting back on the seat and closing her eyes, taking deep breaths.

"You need to go to the hospital," he says, voice strangled. "You don't have a phone?"

"No." She looks around and it's remarkable how not a light is on except – 

Jess gets her out of the car because the door is jammed. He cradles her wrist with care and heads to Luke's. He asks for the phone and is doing well until he says, " – and now her wrist fucking _hurts_."

Jess freezes, Rory freezes, and notably, so does Luke.

It's tense and her wrist is throbbing and she's about to sit on the floor until Luke says, "Jess?"

**

They call the accident in and Luke explains that his parents were like them – his mom lived in Maine and came to Stars Hollow to be with his dad after barely a year of being connected.

"Guess it skipped a generation," Luke says, staring at Rory like she can see Jess in her. "When did this start?"

"This past summer. We didn't realize you were his uncle until…" she trails off.

"Right."

Jess' hand tightens on her knee before relaxing. Luke is a comforting presence beside her and she's not as scared while she talks to the police and the paramedics. Jess whispers in her ear and keeps a comforting hand on her lower back.

Even though her wrist really, really hurts, she's hesitant to have painkillers.

"Take 'em. I'll be here in the morning," he says, lightly tapping her head and briefly kissing her temple.

**

The pain medications make her loopy – Jess fades in and out of her conscious and her mom sets herself up in her room, unable to keep her eyes off her for more than a second.

She tries to clear her head and reach out to him, but she ends up falling asleep too quickly.

She wakes up to her mom and dad sleeping in chairs and Jess staring at her books, noting the new additions.

He turns to her and smiles. He didn't sleep. "Hey."

She smiles sleepily at him.

"Sleep okay?"

She nods.

He nods. "I'm sorry," he says. 

Her eyes sting. "I know."

He clenches his jaw and her cast-clad wrist twitches.

"I still trust you," she says out loud, her voice croaky and barely audible.

Her mom wakes up and Jess is gone.

**

Luke is gone on a fishing trip.

Her mom speaks with her dad every other day to give updates.

Everyone in Stars Hollow treats her like a child.

Dean is coming home tonight.

**

"Jess, I need you to block me out for about an hour," Rory asks as she makes her way to Dean's house.

"You still can't?"

"Not very well, you know that. Please?"

"Fine."

She finally hears just the silence of night in Stars Hollow and she starts to really prepare.

**

_I'm so, so sorry. You were the most amazing boyfriend in the world. You made me so happy. You made me laugh, you made my mother like you, you were nice to my friends, you protected me, you even came with me to that stupid debutante ball – I really did love you. Please believe that. I'm just not that same person – I've changed. I'm going to miss you so much and I just hope that someday we can be friends._

_I'm sorry._

_Bye._

**

She's still crying when she's curled up on the couch. She can feel Jess' hesitance to connect.

"I broke up with Dean."

"Oh. Sorry?"

"You're not sorry at all, jerk."

"Sorry."

"There you go."

They both smile a little.

"I'll just…let you…" He gestures toward the couch she's on. 

"Yeah, thanks."

**

Her mom is upset and confused, but leaves her be to wallow for the night.

"I don't understand – I thought you were going to try to ride it out," her mom says while they're in Weston's Bakery for breakfast.

Rory shrugs and picks up her doughnut with her good hand. "I couldn't anymore. It wasn't being fair to him or to me."

"Well…if you're sure…"

"I'm sure."

**

The worst is people assuming she's either high on the pain medication she's prescribed and therefore not in her right mind when she broke up with Dean, or crazy because her 'near death experience' has warped her and she'll snap out of it and she may regret it –

Rory takes the bus home from the awful party and considers skipping her stop just to get away.

**

Her mood lightens when she catches Luke unpacking his truck.

She thinks she wants a chocolate frosted doughnut, but Jess likes strawberry, so she chooses that one instead. Luke notices.

"How is he?"

She looks over and Jess is sitting on the counter, looking ahead.

"He's okay."

"Good, that's good."

"Yeah, good."

Silence.

"I tried calling the number that I have. Left a message."

"He left four," Jess supplies.

"He knows," she tells Luke.

"Okay, good."

Silence again. Rory takes a bite out of the doughnut and chews very slowly.

"Hey, Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you mind, if…? I don't know if you guys do that a lot, but…"

He does some sort of back and forth motion with his hands.

She looks to Jess again.

"Fine," he says.

"Don't drink all my coffee," she tells him.

Now she's on the counter and Jess is spreading her legs apart, annoying constricted by her dress. He looks down at her cast and grimaces.

"Jess?" Luke ventures.

Jess looks up blandly.

"Right. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I tried the best way I could. I'm sorry that wasn't enough. Even though you're mostly grown up now, I just want you to know I'm here. Now."

Jess exhales and glances over at Rory.

"I think he means it," she says. It was extremely awkward, but genuine.

And it's funny – even though this – whatever they are – may have skipped over Luke and Liz, it still almost feels like Luke could've been one of them. 

"Okay," he says out loud, still looking at her.

She has her doughnut in her hand, untouched. She takes a few bites and lets him savor the sweetness.

**

Jess calls her.

They haven't heard each other's voices in months.

She's trembling and he's on a payphone this time and it's awful and weird, but it's good and –

They hang up and Rory falls back on her bed.

"Jess," she says slowly, trying not to laugh.

He cracks first and she swears she might be a little drunk from margaritas even though she didn't take a sip.

**

"My locker's this way."

Rory slows to a complete stop now that Paris is walking ahead of her. She takes a deep breath, but she feels restricted in her uniform and Chilton's towering gargoyles look ready to eat her alive.

She can't do this.

She turns around and leaves campus.

"Rory?"

Paris.

"I can't do this," she says out loud, passing more students as she makes her way to the bus stop.

"What are you doing?" Paris demands.

"I'm going to New York," Rory declares, giddiness filling her stomach.

Paris smiles. "It's about time. Say hi to Jess for me."

"I will," Rory grins as she hops on the bus that just arrived and will be heading express to Port Authority.

**

As soon as she steps outside, Jess is there.

"Rory…" he starts.

"I'm sorry, you'll have to direct me to Washington Square Park," Rory says with a smile that almost hurts.

They're both so elated that she's laughing to herself as she walks back inside, buys a MetroCard and takes the A line to West Fourth Street.

It's almost as if it's not real – that's she's dreaming or this is still all in her head, but he touches her face and she _feels_ it – feels his fingers on her cheek and her own cheek under his fingers and she has to kiss him. She opens her mouth and lets him in and this is as close to perfect and whole as she'll ever be. She laughs in joy in between kisses and she can feel him smile against her mouth.

"Hi," she says.

"Hi," he says back.

**

He takes her hand and they don't let go.

Except for when he gets her a hot dog, but then he just throws an arm around her shoulders.

"It's even better for real," Rory moans in pleasure after the first bite.

He shakes his head with a smile. "Please don't do that."

She looks down at her hot dog and then back at him. "That is not _remotely_ erotic, biting off a phallic-shaped food."

"I agree, I meant the actual noise made by you," Jess retorts. "Maybe if you were sucking on an ice pop, that would be different. Much more erotic."

She elbows him. "Maybe if you're good I'll give you a show this summer."

He gapes. "Before or after the withering stare?"

"Whichever will make you the most uncomfortable."

"Cruel, cruel woman."

**

It's just easy; it's so easy and comfortable. But thrilling, watching the lights through the subway windows and telling him that was the first time she saw through his eyes.

"You were walking through town and it was quiet," he tells her. She was going to meet Lane after being with Dean and she remembers freedom, relief – 

Needing to breathe.

She leans back and kisses his jaw.

**

(A hole in the wall record store, coffee in paper cups, kissing. A lot of kissing. She knows his face like her own, but she still studies the sharp lines of his jaw and the way his eyes almost look green while he's sitting in Washington Square Park for the first time with her eyes. He looks at her unguarded. (He will always be. That's it. Forever.))

**

"Hey," he says, resting his forehead against hers while standing in the middle of Port Authority. "We'll make this work, okay?"

"Okay."

_I –_

He kisses her, silencing her train of thought, soon leaving her with a broken heart.

She shivers at the emptiness and scrambles to feel him in her mind.

"Hey, you might want to wait for the next bus," Jess tells her, standing so close to her that she can feel him against her back.

"Why?"

"That's a local. Just wait fifteen minutes."

But then Jess hears to his right about buses standing down and a businessman cursing furiously into a cell phone with his briefcase wildly swinging around.

"Actually, you might want to take the train," Jess suggests.

"What line do I take? Does one even get me to Hartford?" Rory panics.

They meet again and they rush through the underground tunnel to Times Square, which makes Jess so miserable that it almost cheers Rory up. They take the S to Grand Central and buy a ticket to New Haven.

"You don't have to –" she starts as he feeds money into the machine.

"You came to see me and all this happens. It's the least I can do."

They rush into the main concourse and Jess spots her train.

"You'll have to grab a bus from New Haven to Hartford unless you can get picked up."

"Nobody will be able to pick me up – they're all going to be there!" She checks her watch. "I can't believe this."

"Take the 4:08 and I'll figure it out. At least you'll be in the right state."

She briefly kisses him and runs to the track, just making it in time for the doors to shut behind her.

She manages to find a seat and mentally checks out, following Jess out of Grand Central to the nearest available pay phone.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

He dials her area code and she hugs him around his waist, tears in her eyes.

" _Luke's Diner, Luke speaking._ "

"I'm gonna hold you to what you said – mind shutting down the diner for tonight?"

**

She just makes it. She's sweating and out of breath from running, but she stands in the back and watches her mom graduate and she maybe cries out of a mixture of happiness, relief, and exhaustion.

"Thank you for everything," she murmurs while she hides in an empty bathroom to collect herself.

He nods.

"Seriously. I'm –" her breath hitches in her throat. "If this wasn't tonight, and…I would've stayed longer."

The corner of his mouth twitches. "That would've been hard to explain."

"I don't care. You're important. Really important."

He nods, reaching out to take her hand (it's not as good as it was a few hours ago).

**

She wants to be happy right now – her mom graduated, her grandparents came and behaved better than she had hoped and everything should be _good_ , but instead she's trying not to cry while they're all out for celebratory pizza.

"Hey, what's wrong, kid?" her mom asks while Rory picks pepperoni off her pizza. Jess hates pepperoni.

"Nothing, just tired."

"Was Paris in fine form today?"

Rory forces herself to take a bite so she doesn't answer.

**

_One new message._

From Chilton.

"How weird is that, Chilton thinking you were absent. Were you being more anti-social than usual?" her mom jokes once the message ends.

Rory sniffles.

"Rory?"

She cracks. She tells her everything – cutting school, hopping on a bus, going to New York –

" _Why_ did you go to New York?"

– And then she _finally_ talks about Jess.

"Who's _Jess_?"

"He's Luke's nephew and we're – he's my – we're connected." Rory wipes her nose with her cardigan. "It happened last summer and it's just –"

" _What_ the _hell_ are you talking about? Rory, you sound crazy –"

Her mom's phone rings.

"Answer it," Rory says.

"What? No! We're –"

"Mom, answer it."

Her mom furrows her brow and answers with a slow, "Hello?"

" _Lorelai_ ," Jess greets.

She doesn't think she's seen her mom genuinely _scared_. "Who's this?"

" _Jess_." He shrugs his shoulders, unsure how to proceed. " _Rory isn't crazy._ "

Rory almost groans.

Her mom hangs up the phone and tosses it on the couch in a panic. "I don't know _why_ you think this is funny, but –"

"Mom, it's true," Rory interrupts softly. "His name is Jess Mariano and he lives in the Lower East Side, but he's had to move around a few times. He reads even more than I do and he's really into punk and he's _part_ of me. I can hear traffic from Tomkins Square Park and taste the pizza that he had for dinner and I _still_ can't believe you _like_ artichoke pizza, Jess, that's disgusting."

"Don't knock it 'til you've tried it."

"Rory, _no one's here_. You're really scaring me," her mom says in tears.

"Tell me something that happened to you today and Jess will call you back and tell you the same thing. He's _here_."

Her mom doesn't seem willing to continue this conversation until she tells Rory about an espresso cake Sookie made for her and Jess calls the house promptly.

Afterwards, her mom calmly hands Rory the phone and heads upstairs.

**

Even though her mom is in the house and Jess is part of her inner world, she never feels more alone that night, unable to connect with either of them.

**

She only properly wakes up due to Paris annoyingly reciting Latin verbs over and _over_.

"Will you _shut up_?"

"I just wanted to make sure you're actually making it to school today and not running off with your man," Paris sing-songs. "I have a _very_ important speech to give. I _will_ win student body president."

"You're annoyingly awake right now," Rory grumbles. She feels like she barely slept.

"Yeah, well, when six of your cluster is already awake you tend to beat the alarm clock." Pause. "So, how was it?"

Rory falls back on her bed and shuts her eyes. "Good. Really good."

"That's it?"

She forces her eyes open. "I can't go back to this."

Paris sits on the edge of her bed and awkwardly pats her knee through the blanket. "You really love him," she says, almost confused.

Rory swallows thickly.

"It's not _weird_ – it does happen. Obviously. Usually in late activations. I've known my cluster since I was six and they're like brothers and sisters. We grew up together. They're other facets of myself. With you and Jess, it's like a late meeting of the minds."

"That's a nice way of putting it," Rory says, throwing off her blankets.

"But if Bojing and I started hooking up, that would be a new level of narcissism," Paris adds, shuddering at the thought.

"Bojing?"

"He lives in Beijing. We get along academically."

"Right. So…Jess and me…not totally narcissistic and screwed up?"

"Not really." 

It's not the most comforting thing, especially coming from Paris, but Rory will take it.

"Plus, I mean…he makes you happy," Paris adds awkwardly. "So it can't be _that_ bad."

Rory smiles. "Aw, that was sweet."

"Just be at school and actually make it through the gates. I need the competition to thrive."

"You care."

"Only care that you do your best in school so I can _crush_ you."

"Uh huh."

Paris leaves her mind in a huff and Rory smiles as she gets ready for school.

**

It's the most uncomfortable walk to Luke's.

Her mom keeps looking at Rory in the corner of her eye as if expecting her to have a mental breakdown at any moment.

Rory tries to prod into Jess, but there's nothing – or not nothing, more –

He's blocking her.

She furrows her brow and tries not to think about it as she opens the door to Luke's, letting her mom walk in first.

The small table closest to the door is available and they take it, steadfastly avoiding one another.

When Luke comes over to pour them coffee, Rory says, "Thanks again for picking me up."

"It was nothing."

"Wait, you _knew_?" her mom blurts.

"Jess _is_ Luke's nephew," Rory mutters.

"Wait, she knows?" Luke asks.

"Yes, yes, now you both know – can I get a coffee to go, actually? And a doughnut?"

"No doughnuts – chocolate chip muffin?"

"Perfect." Rory lifts her bag to swing it over her back except her ribs scream in protest. She drops the bag loudly and falls back into the chair, curling into herself.

"Rory?" Lorelai asks, half out of her chair.

"I don't think this is me," Rory grits. "What _happened_?"

Jess is in his bed, one hand protectively over his left side as he sits up. "Nothin', just…mugging gone wrong. The guy was a little strung out."

"This isn't _nothing_ , you need a _hospital_ ," Rory says out loud.

"What's wrong with him?" Luke demands.

"It's just bruised, I'll live," Jess insists. "Wrong time, wrong neighborhood. It'll heal in a few weeks."

She drops her head into her hands.

"At least he only got ten bucks out of me."

"It's not funny at all."

"I can't believe this is happening," her mom says in a daze.

"Is he okay?" Luke asks.

"He says he's bruised but fine," Rory relays, lifting her head.

"Your bus will be here in two minutes," Jess says.

She hides her face again for a few seconds. "I need a coffee and a muffin to go before my bus gets here."

By the time she's on the bus with her coffee and muffin, the ghost-ache of his ribs is gone and he's fallen asleep.

**

Her mood doesn't really improve watching Paris give her speech and then bully her into becoming her vice president.

"At least you were Matt Damon in that analogy," Jess says. "He's the better of the two."

Rory gives him a baleful look.

**

"Why not have her walk down to 'Barbed Wire Love'?" Jess suggests.

"Okay, I know you can go through my memories and get an idea of who Sookie is as a person," Rory scoffs. "Stiff Little Fingers is _not_ appropriate."

"Then just do the first thirty seconds – that guitar riff is great."

"If Jess just suggested 'Barbed Wire Love' then _I_ need to meet him in person," Lane says.

"The first thirty seconds," Rory sighs.

"Yep, he needs to be my new best friend. Sorry, Rory, you're out."

"The Replacements?" Jess proposes.

Rory stops glaring at Lane. "I'm listening."

"'Favorite Thing.'"

Rory smiles.

"What did he say?" Lane asks.

" _Wanna be something, wanna be anything, yeah I know I feel this way, but I ain't gonna never change,_ " Jess says as he pours himself a glass of orange juice.

" _Yeah, I hear, I think, I know, rock don't give a shit, you know_ ," Rory finishes.

Lane squeals, " _You're my favorite thing, you're my favorite thing, bar nothing._ "

" _I think big once in a while_ ," they all finish and Rory laughs.

**

Saturday night before Sookie's wedding, Rory is lying on her bed, waiting for her mom to get back from the Inn, but having an inkling that she'll be back a lot later.

Wait.

"What are you thinking?" Rory asks.

Jess is resting on the opposite end of her bed. "Your dad is staying at the Inn."

She winces. "No." But…this means…

"You're afraid to get excited," he concludes.

"I just want them both to be happy."

"Would it make you happy?"

She sits up and crosses her legs. "I think it would. It would be nice."

He sits up too and now their faces are inches apart. "Hi," he says.

"Hi."

They don't talk after that.

**

"Okay, honestly, this is a little weird," Rory says once she's pulled up her pajama pants.

"What's weird?" Jess asks as he slips up his boxers and tosses his jeans into the corner of his room.

"I mean, we…did _that_ ,but it was _all in our heads_ ," she says. "We're really, actually alone. Can you imagine if someone walked in on that? How _weird_ would it look?"

He grimaces. "Okay, you have a point." He sighs and rests his head on her pillow. "So, to avoid this from happening again, it needs to be done in person." He tugs on the front of her button-down top and she easily follows, resting on his chest. " _Although_ ," he continues, nimble fingers undoing the top button. "Practice would make perfect for the real thing."

She snorts. "Smooth." She stops him before he can get at the last two buttons. "This _is_ real, though. For me."

He kisses her and she feels what he feels. She'll want words eventually, she'll need them since as much as she loves her internal world of books and movies and that space – that amazing, weird, perfect space she shares with Jess – she wants it outside of herself too. She actually wants him in Luke's Diner sharing pancakes and eggs and she wants to smell his aftershave on her pillowcase. She wants his margin writing in her own books.

He shouldn't just be mentally here.

**

Her mom comes in early in the morning while Rory is doing her hair in the bathroom. Whatever lingering awkwardness between them is put aside when her mom tells her about how her dad might sort of actually be entering the picture for good. Maybe.

She hasn't seen her mom this happy in a while.

She smiles at her and finally lets herself be excited.

**

Paris pops in her mind to inform her that they've won, her dad confirms what her mom told her this morning, and Jess has been blocking her until she turns around and sees him standing by the lake.

She's in his head and he's _here_.

She doesn't know how she's walking over and speaking _words_ – is she even talking? Asking him why he's here, if he's okay beyond hurting every time he breathes –

"I'm moving here," he tells her.

"But…what – why?"

He talked to Luke and _asked_ and he'll be _here_. 

But he loves New York; he's claustrophobic when he shares with her in Stars Hollow and doesn't understand small town life.

His nerves rattle in her chest and she tastes _I love you_ in his mouth. It rings in her ears and she leans forward fast, almost whimpering with relief when their lips touch because it's _real_ he's _here_ he'sherehe's _here_.

"I have to go," she reluctantly says between kisses, pulling back. "The wedding –"

"Okay."

"I'll…see you later?"

"Later."

She laughs and kisses him because she can and runs.

**

Sookie and Jackson kiss and Rory cannot leave the ceremony fast enough.

"Where are you going?" Lane asks as Rory searches through her mom's bag for her keys.

"Jess is _here_ ," Rory whispers so not to be overheard.

"Oh my _God_!" Lane squeals loudly as Rory runs to the parking lot.

She breaks speeding laws and barely stops at stop signs, but she's parked in front of the diner in minutes and she sees Luke teaching Jess how to use the cash register.

Jess looks up and smiles. Luke is saying "Aw, geez, am I gonna have to put up with this now?" under his breath and Jess doesn't even care.

Rory grins, opens the door, and lets herself in.


End file.
